Border Security – Anonymous Report

Florida Senator Marco Rubio was asked today about rumors that an amendment was being considered to enhance the border security requirements of the highly-contested Immigration bill.

“Well, people really want this thing locked down so Congress can move on to more important work like de-funding the UN and funding the Apollo 11 visitors’ center in the Sea of Tranquility.”

When pressed for details about the enhanced border security methods, Senator Rubio was coy, but did say that because of the need for “public support” for the project, “innovative ideas are being considered.  Historic ideas,” he added with a wink to this reporter.

Reports of a camouflaged limousine outside the capital with the license plate SWAMPMAN1 has led to speculation that the long-shelved idea of a moat along the southern border is being resurrected with the assistance of the cast of the History channel program “Swamp People.”

If true, the addition of the Reagan-era moat defense proposal, tabled prior to the passage of the 1986 Immigration Act, would immediately attract the support of roughly 90% of the Republican caucus and half of the Democratic side of the aisle, all but ensuring its passage.

It is unknown what input the environmental lobby or PETA would have on the eventual wording of the amendment, since the moat would invariably be stocked with alligators and other swamp-friendly animals, since the complete remaking of the ecosystems of the southwest United States might have unintended consequences on the region’s indigenous flora and fauna.

Critics of the plan have raised the specter of new invasion methods that might be developed by Cartels in order to continue the lucrative practice of both human d drug trafficking.  While the addition of the moat to the already agreed upon double fence line would undoubtedly enhance security along the border, insiders tell us that “reach-out” efforts have already occurred between Congressional staff members and historical re-creationists from the Society for Creative Anachronisms as well as medieval history scholars.

 

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